Bad tempered me!

I am really upset with my Orthopedic Surgeon. I saw him Friday for my shoulder stuff.

The good news is that he's impressed by my range of movement and there's are only some areas where there's no improvement. He feels my shoulder is not frozen any more or at least its dissipated somewhat. He says I can swim and ride a bike again or go to gym, which is great. On the other hand he feels I will be left with the level of disability I have and that my condition will deteriorate. He says I am not to punch through the pain but to stop what I am doing when it hurts. He has no solution to the problem of Physio, which hurts by its nature. I guess I have to punch through the pain there, but stop if my shoulder hurts (which quite frankly is all the time). He doesn't think I will be able to use my kayak again either, though he says I can try.

I was supposed to get X-rayed the same day, but his instructions about how to get there weren't clear to me (I learn/see things in pictures), he refused to draw anything for me and his directions were confusing. I ended up lost in Heidelberg and called Sandy for help. He directed me back to the surgery where I waited to be collected and I basically told the Surgeon and his staff that I refused to have the X-ray where they wanted me to, that Heidelberg was about as familiar as the moon to me, and that they had to find me some X-ray venue closer to where I lived because I wasn't going anywhere but to Nina's parent teacher interviews that day and I can't drive. The X-ray is for when I ring the Surgeon to say the pain is too much, he can put me on the list for surgery, which is the only hope for my joint. He did not say why he is delaying it until I can't stand it any more. I am supposed to see him in 3 months for another check up.

I felt very abandoned and angry and sad. I knew I was disabled but thought I would get better-ish. I have made an appointment with my GP later this week to ask what the Surgeon meant and to probably find another orthopedic surgeon. I need to know what will damage my arm further? Will it ever be OK? When will I ever be able to apply pressure to anything or lift weights. I am so useless around the house its a joke! I love my kayak, if I cant use it because of injury, will the operation fix me up? Why be disabled more and more while I wait to be in so much pain that I need an operation, when for months I have been told as soon as my neck is healed he will fix me up? Why allow my shoulder to deteriorate?

I have been crying and crying, which I'm told is very good for me. I saw a counselor at Uni this morning and I see the Shrink this week so I'm sure I'll be OK. In fact I am way better, if resigned to stuff, right now.

Anyway, my annoyance comes through this posting, so I'm sure you know what I mean. I am holding off on the X-ray until everything is decided because there is no point in 2 X-rays, one for my current surgeon and another for whoever a future surgeon might be.

I feel sheepish about crying and about being so upset... In fact I feel quite embarrassed by everything right now... I am trying not to be disabled at all and its hard to do my exercises but I will wait till I see my GP and work things from there. Being embarrassed doesn't help matters at all, it makes my stomache hurt... Just makes me feel stupid as well as everything else.