Why am I embarrassed?

I've been wondering why I feel slightly embarrassed every time I go out in public or need to function at a professional level.

I was talking to a friend last week and explaining the feeling. I am very shy right now. I think it's because people stare. Women are OK, they say stuff like "ooh that looks uncomfortable!" and children are fine too, because they look once and very openly. Its men I think. One man nearly fell over staring at my neck last night. I want to ask what the hell he thought he was looking at and then pose so he could see it properly or ask him to take a good look and then piss off and get out of my way... I want to wear a t-shirt that reads "My neck brace will come off soon and I'll be normal, but you will be an ugly person for life."

When I told my mate about stuff, she said she thought it was because we all like to be "normal" and that I now feel I don't fit in. The worst of it is, I think she is right. I don't think I'd care about the mens' stares so much if I felt OK about me. The whole thing is in my head... They may look but it's the way I handle things that is important and not other people. My self esteem is not great at the moment I guess.

As for my pain killers, well addictive or not, I discovered they were useful in that they stopped pain. It seems obvious when I type it but all I could see was how addictive they were. I've mostly licked them now, but wake up every 40 minutes to an hour due to pain. I've also noticed that the positions I sleep in are so uncomfortable and I cant use my tummy or my right side as I used to because they hurt. My stomache hurts my neck and my right side hurts my shoulder and the scar on my head. I am trying a meditation process for pain control that the psychiatrist showed me last week. I'm not great at it and I can't block out noise, but at least I'm still trying I guess.

Last week I wrote to the TAC (our insurers) to ask about the process and people involved in getting a housekeeping service for 2 hours a week to vacuum and wash floors, the bath and loo. After an exchange of email, they told me to ask my occupational therapist. When I told them I had not only asked her, but I also forwarded a copy of her email to me saying she had spoken to them the day before, they refused to answer any further. They never answered me about their policies and protocols. I cannot believe it because they always say "wrong person" or "wrong department" or "I need another signature" and now they refuse to tell me, for heavens sake! At least it means I am not mad and they are loopy as I thought. And at least I've caught them out at last. I can't believe they put it all in writing, it's delicious. I got Sandy and Nina a solicitor the next day and will get one for myself after my shoulder is done. I cant have the same solicitor as the rest of my family because I was driving the car.

I also got a request from the TAC solicitor to get a copy of the police report. I will sign it and get it witnessed, but I will also ask for a copy for me to keep and, as usual, photocopy all documents sent and received. The TAC is a blogg entry in and of themselves.. hmmmm

Next time I want to write about wearing a neck brace and having to persuade committees and participants for my work. I also want to talk about work in general after the accident. It's really a fascinating experience. And then maybe I'll look at the TAC if there's time.