I'm doing OK

Well I am doing the self affirmation stuff- you know- "you're doing well considering everyone said take a year off" and "you're doing OK" and "you will finish stuff when its done- don't rush things, it will finish when it does."

I meet my thesis supervisors for a meeting on Monday and I decided to really go through my injuries with them- I haven't done it before. I'll tell them about things like the problems I have concentrating for a long period of time, working in constant pain between my head and my arm, my physical need for sleep and rest, the damage stress is doing, mixing in my parental responsibilities etc etc. The concentration thing will get better the more I do it they reckon. I am so slow to do stuff, it takes so long. Anyway- I haven't ever told anyone any of these things and just pretend to be normal. This just isn't working out. I'm not normal for me, but maybe I will be over time. I don't know what it will achieve but maybe my supervisors will see that I am trying really hard and we can work through this- I get mad at them and the world, but mostly I am self disliking and feel "dumbed down" for what I need to do. This feeling doesn't help- you have to think you can do things to make them come
true. Yesterday I drafted the significance section of my thesis. I took heaps of breaks and when I couldn't think any more, I didn't push through- I stopped and did data entry or went for a walk when I was really tired. Maybe that's a smart thing to do. I know last week when I stopped working in the evening and realised how much I hurt and got all 4 year old and teary about it. Then Sandy felt my hands and suggested I turn on the heater because I was so cold. I knew I was cold but thought I
shouldn't be. I'd simply put more clothes on and ignored pain. His suggestion was smart because it helped my pain and it was so full of common sense. I have lost all common sense about recovery/disability whatever it is. I have to adjust to some things not fight them all.

Then there's the enormous paperwork load the accident caused, and a coming court case where I am the "bad" guy cos an "Act of God" doesn't count, the struggle to get through every day. The daily exercises take about an hour and a half. I drive like a little old lady and I can barely garden. For heavens sake I needed my daughter to brush my dreadlocks out last week because I was too weak to do it. There is no escape from the accident. ...I'm doing OK ...I'm doing OK ...I'll get there.

I am determined to finish my PhD. I'm registered with the Disability Liaison Office and I have to remember that means something. You don't get the doctors' signatures and med certs because everything is fine. I am OK... I am doing OK... I am a good person...

Today I'm working from home. I always do on a Friday because they send a cleaner for an hour or so to do floors and stuff. I have to follow this up at soon because its been screwed up and you think, "do I really need this service?" and I think I do pain-wise, which means more phone calls about it today.. and Physios and Shrinks and GPs and Orthopedic Surgeons and Occupational Therapists, the TAC, case workers, Neuropsychologists and everything... ...I'm OK