Work on my right shoulder and arm begins...

I go into hospital on 13 June for a few days for an operation on my torn ligament and to remove the bone fragments. The doctor says we will look at my elbow, wrist and knuckles after that because they are probably ligament damage. I will have a 3 inch scar on my upper arm... He has never succeeded 100% in restoring a shoulder like mine and he has never operated on anyone so long after the injury actually occurred. My shoulder will freeze further and I'll lose most of the movement I have left in that arm... It will take more than a year for me to return to where my arm will be for the rest of my life.

My neck should mostly be healed by then... I won't have a date I can drive until we sort out my arm. I may need lessons and a special doovey on the steering wheel so I only use my left hand... If we do that, I will need to buy a new car because mine is a 5 speed manual and you can only use the doovey with an automatic...

As usual I am scared of so many things... What a fraidy cat!

Nina's blog

I read Nina's blog entry called "Elaborate, please". I finally learned her view of events. It made me feel pretty solemn, especially when I read the parts about how she reacted to Sandy and I. The accident was really quite sad and the outcome is really quite happy I think. But we are all still grieving in our own way.

Nothing much is happening

Well there isn't much happening at the moment- which is nice really. I have to see way more doctors, including the consultant specialist, but the whole appointment thing is really going quite well.

My neck muscles ache like hell, but I figure once I have my operation, phsyio will start and they will soon ease. I laughed with one of the girls today because when I turn, my whole body turns, as if I were wearing a brace still.

The weather has gotten quite cold now, so the bone chips in my shoulder ache a fair bit, as do my knuckles. My wrist and my elbow, not to mention my bicep. But I still manage to shake hands with people, even if I am limp wristed.

I'd like to cut my hair short, but there is still some scarring that won't grow hair so its long locks for a while, whether I'd like to or not. maybe i willgo to the hairdresser and dye it dark dark brown and cut it somehow... if i tell them about the different lengths and stuff, maybe they can help. I think that's what I'll do.

Mind you, because I do exercises every day for about an hour, I am maintaining my movement in places, I have fabulous balance and my tummy muscles are to die for. I hate doing my stomache exercises, they make my thighs and lower stomache ache like mad. When I do them with boots on, they lift my upper body off the ground, so I have to concentrate to stay in a laying down possie. I don't mind touching my toes though, that helps to stretch my arm and also keeps my legs nice and limber, especially my thighs.... I can't wait to start gym work outs again- I liked my bod before December and with work, I should again I guess. *laugh* I also have a really bad (or good) sweet tooth. I can't remember when I enjoyed toffee so much.

Trying to influence people while wearing a neck brace

I thought I might jot this down. In a few weeks I think I might forget what it was like and its important to remember what a large part of the life and persona the brace was.

Trying to conduct high level research with clinicians while wearing a Philadelphia collar for a broken neck was quite challenging. I was really aware that they would see me as another patient, more work, or another problem, for them to solve rather than as a serious researcher.

I started off seeing the Directors of various health services for permission to recruit their staff to meet the requirements of various human research ethics committees. I would negotiate the bus timetable and take care to pack all I needed in a light bag for carrying the next day. In the morning after I'd had my few moments of panic over whether I'd catch the bus or not, I'd get on board and begin checking my resources were there in case I had to work anything out before I got there. I would spend the remainder of the trip with my eyes closed, deadening my nerves.

When I got to my destination, I was always 15 or so minutes early, as I had planned. I would find their office and then go to the Ladies Room. In the loo, I'd freshen up and make sure everything was in place.

I went to the Director's office and knocked on the door. When I was allowed in, I could see the curiosity in their eyes. I sat down and quickly talked about the fact that my brace was yucky, but never mind. I had been in a yucky car accident where luckily, everyone would eventually walk away. I also pointed out that had I met them the following week, I wouldn't need to wear the brace at all, but I had to do as I was told... I then sold my work like mad and the people I saw (hopefully) soon saw me and my work and not the brace. I walked out with every signature I needed.

The same thing happened while wearing the brace during the data collection process at every location I went to. Initially I saw curiosity and even hesitation- it was my job to wear that down. One person asked for continual reassurance that my neck didn't bother me during the interview, which was a bit of a chore I guess. His face spoke volumes. But I got my interview and its a good one. At then end of each interview I was exhausted and could have slept for the day, but I often had data to enter or another interview to conduct, so that was that.

I know I make this sound kind of simple when I read it but it wasn't. It still isn't really, I scribble during interviews and depend on audio tapes for authenticity. Even checking that my audio devices work is a chore for my arm and hand- the neck brace just made it more cumbersome.

This week, for the first time, I didn't wear the brace for one interview. I took it off in the loo and put it back on afterwards. I loved that interview, even if I was still clumsy! The whole lack of self confidence thing clearly lasts long after the neck brace is removed.

One aspect of the neck brace that I found amusing is that there are fetishist web sites dedicated to women who wear braces. Ahh well, at least someone found me attractive in theory... Everyone to their own I guess. I feel so much more cute and professional without the brace- the whole mind over matter thing is clearly a really big deal!

I did my neuropsychologist thing this week and there have been a few other developments re health stuff, but that can wait until after I have seen the doctor tomorrow.