Having a neck again :)

Well, its official... I have a neck again *grin* and a chin and everything else. I saw the specialist last week and he said it was ok to take my brace off in all the places I do, but that I still need to wear a muscle brace for walking, exercising and so forth.

I am being very good about wearing the muscle brace when I need to, but it is so lovely to talk to people for work and other things and not see that curiosity in their eyes. I adore it... Doing my hair is fun again and so is wearing make up. I even felt like going out last night, which hasn't happened for ages.

I get a bit of pain, which he says is both the break and the muscles, but the doctor is confident I am now on the mend and the break is stable. He has also said I cant get my arm operated on for another month, which is OK because I was so scared of someone dropping me and ending up in a chair, or worse. I'm glad he is as careful as I am.

I saw the neuropsychologist yesterday and she says I am affected by either unconsciousness or concussion or stress. If its the first 2, it doesn't matter which one. She said I was a intelligent as ever but the paths to the knowledge were lost for some things, like when I say bandaid and mean bathers or when I say collander and mean collar. She said the main thing is to rest a lot and not be too hard on myself. She also thinks I should see the psychologist for ways to reduce my stress. She is coming back on Monday for more tests.

Boy, in the picture below, is a bird that fell from the nest when he was young and given to me after my accident when he was a few weeks old. I love him dearly. He is so bad tempered. More later.

This is Boy. I think he is a pteradactyl in spirit and love the way he chats and grumbles 

It feels like there is no time, but its not true

It feels like I have no time to write this right now because there are so many other things I have to do for work and home. At the same time I think, why rush? I won't get a prize for not taking time out to do the things I want to do, so this is a compromise. I am writing half of what I'd like and when I have more time I will write the stuff about working with a neck brace because I find it fascinating to watch myself go.

Last week I had a another cat scan but I wont to see my specialist until tomorrow. I couldn't stand the thought of my brace if I didn't need it, so I phoned and asked whether he would check the scan and see whether I could remove it. He left a message to say I was moderately recovered and could remove the brace for short periods except when traveling or walking around. I do do as he asked when traveling and walking and I also wear the brace gardening and exercising- the strenuous stuff. I try not to turn my neck much either. But I have to admit I never wear it at any other time. I will confess that tomorrow, as I hope I am not doing damage, but all my neck brace ever did was help me support my neck and prevent me from turning. I hope everything is OK because my superstitious self is sure I am hurting the break by not wearing the brace often enough. I think I am a push me-pull you. I want everything.... Sigh... Not to wear the brace and to be OK at the same time.

Last weekend I went to a wedding and wore the brace when standing or walking. But I also wore high heels- not that they were very high, but they were high-ish. I was really careful when they were on, but I probably ought not have done it I guess. I felt great though!

I also felt the water on my neck for the first time in four months when in the shower last week. It was delicious, not to mention the sun on my neck last week too. I looked in the mirror and I had a chin at last! I loved last week and I don't care if my muscles hurt. I think the pain in my neck is my muscles and not my break, but I'll ask the doctor tomorrow.

I love not wearing the brace, sweaty, yucky, thing it is.. And it hurts too. But its way better than permanent injury and so I have resolved to be a bit grown up when I have to wear it.

I will find out tomorrow whether I am having an operation on the 4th May, but more of that later. For now, I have a neck!

Why am I embarrassed?

I've been wondering why I feel slightly embarrassed every time I go out in public or need to function at a professional level.

I was talking to a friend last week and explaining the feeling. I am very shy right now. I think it's because people stare. Women are OK, they say stuff like "ooh that looks uncomfortable!" and children are fine too, because they look once and very openly. Its men I think. One man nearly fell over staring at my neck last night. I want to ask what the hell he thought he was looking at and then pose so he could see it properly or ask him to take a good look and then piss off and get out of my way... I want to wear a t-shirt that reads "My neck brace will come off soon and I'll be normal, but you will be an ugly person for life."

When I told my mate about stuff, she said she thought it was because we all like to be "normal" and that I now feel I don't fit in. The worst of it is, I think she is right. I don't think I'd care about the mens' stares so much if I felt OK about me. The whole thing is in my head... They may look but it's the way I handle things that is important and not other people. My self esteem is not great at the moment I guess.

As for my pain killers, well addictive or not, I discovered they were useful in that they stopped pain. It seems obvious when I type it but all I could see was how addictive they were. I've mostly licked them now, but wake up every 40 minutes to an hour due to pain. I've also noticed that the positions I sleep in are so uncomfortable and I cant use my tummy or my right side as I used to because they hurt. My stomache hurts my neck and my right side hurts my shoulder and the scar on my head. I am trying a meditation process for pain control that the psychiatrist showed me last week. I'm not great at it and I can't block out noise, but at least I'm still trying I guess.

Last week I wrote to the TAC (our insurers) to ask about the process and people involved in getting a housekeeping service for 2 hours a week to vacuum and wash floors, the bath and loo. After an exchange of email, they told me to ask my occupational therapist. When I told them I had not only asked her, but I also forwarded a copy of her email to me saying she had spoken to them the day before, they refused to answer any further. They never answered me about their policies and protocols. I cannot believe it because they always say "wrong person" or "wrong department" or "I need another signature" and now they refuse to tell me, for heavens sake! At least it means I am not mad and they are loopy as I thought. And at least I've caught them out at last. I can't believe they put it all in writing, it's delicious. I got Sandy and Nina a solicitor the next day and will get one for myself after my shoulder is done. I cant have the same solicitor as the rest of my family because I was driving the car.

I also got a request from the TAC solicitor to get a copy of the police report. I will sign it and get it witnessed, but I will also ask for a copy for me to keep and, as usual, photocopy all documents sent and received. The TAC is a blogg entry in and of themselves.. hmmmm

Next time I want to write about wearing a neck brace and having to persuade committees and participants for my work. I also want to talk about work in general after the accident. It's really a fascinating experience. And then maybe I'll look at the TAC if there's time.

Sandy and Nina wait for lunch at our hotel 

Juanita and Nina at the Chinese dinosaur exhibit 

Nina and Juanita ordering yummy lunch 

I read about this guy

I read about this is the paper who had a car accident... someone ran up his rear end. He said that his car was insured, which means he had accident insurance. He broke some bones and is apparently still recovering. He wrote that as a result of the accident he lost his car, home, job, and wife plus he was still revovering from the accident. The world seems to be full of stories like this and I don't really get it. I know he had an accident, but why would that make his wife leave him? Also, if he was insured, why did he lose his house? And the government makes sure you don't lose your job too. I hear heaps of stories like this. I also hear heaps of TAC insurance horror stories. People lose a lot when they are affected by an accidnt and by comparison we are doing OK, althoug maybe its early days yet?

Nin has damaged her arm and it hasn't healed as quickly as it should, but she didn't re-break it. No Tae Kwondo for another term for sure. She was disappointed but is OK.

Sandy was assessed by the nueropsychologist, she will report to us in a fortnight or so. In the meantime she emphasised two things, one is he is not to be tired out, which may affect how much work he can do. The second thing is that I am correct and he has some health issues to see to as a result of the trauma too. I will be assessed in a couple of weeks.

I gave up painkillers this weekend. They are addictive and I have been on them for too long already. Since I do without them during the day, I decided to do without them at night too. My tummy feels funny.. sort of icey and firey like when I gave up tobacco. I missed heaps of sleep over the past 2 nights since I stopped taking them. I have a headache today as well. I figure it will take a week at most to get them out of my system (fingers crossed). I can't tell any doctor because by law, they have to tell the insurer and fail or succeed, its my business, not my insurers.

We went away and spent the night in the city this weekend. We did dinner, the movies, the Chinese Dinosaurs and other stuff. Nina and Sandy has saunas and spas and swam. Nina especially loved the hotel breakfast. It was a lovely, lovely, night and it was our first holiday since the accident. I'm glad we all had so much fun, though I have to say we got really tired.

Another few weeks of wearing a collar feels interminable, but it will go. The doctor looked at my elbow this morning and gave me some more exercises to do. I'll need an x-ray after my shoulder surgery (May), but there is no point risking it now since they can't do anything about it till after May.

I try not to think about very much at all and not to feel either. Neither do me any good... life is much better when I ignore all of that stuff. Maybe afterwards, it will be OK to feel about things.

Getting back to the newspaper article and what people say, life after the crash sucks in many ways. I'll scream if I have to wait another 2 hours for someone or listen to another taxi driver's radio and opinion or plan a simple shopping trip like it a major excursion. And then I'll do all these things again and again and won't complain. But I don't risk my house, car or spouse. I don't get the stuff people talk about. To lose a spouse, surely things have to be bad in the first place? How can you lose a house or car with income insurance? Losing a job I get, employers do whatever they like, law or no law. The rest is unfathomable to me. Maybe I won't lose my family because we were all injured so we understand each other without words. Maybe people not in a smash can't empathise with those in one.... It puzzles me when I think about it