Arrgghh!

Stress makes everything worse than it is and I see myself as a problem above and beyond my physical woes. Stress makes my stomach burn and I don't want to talk to anyone. Sometimes that's because I just don't want to talk to other people and sometimes its because I feel that talking to them will make me dissolve into tears and that would be embarrassing, not to mention unproductive. Maybe next week I can stop thinking about my stress and start to think about how to get around or deal with other things.

Making some progress

I think I mentioned Rehab. I think I am finally making progress. Thank heavens my capacity to learn wasn't touched by the car accident. My therapists are really positive about what I have taught myself and also, about my capacity to apply everything they teach me.

Its also really weird (and nice)having my goals taken so seriously.

I showed my speech therapist 2 drafts of my work, with 3 weeks between them. She was impressed by my progress and found the content interesting too. I loved her feedback. And because I loved it, I noticed something else about me. I am very suspicious these days. I wonder did the Therapist say nice things to encourage my recovery or did she mean them?

Also, I heard about a car accident that really freaked me out on a road near home. A motorist lost control of his car, doing 140 kmh in a 60 zone, and hit 3 cars on the other side of the road. One woman was killed and a kid rescued her baby, with help from passers-by and then spoke to her, telling her the baby was fine and she would be OK, until her ambulance arrived. I think the story is chilling and I'm scared to use the road again. At the same time, sensible me knows the thing was random and the road where the accident occurred means nothing. In some ways, accepting that the car accident is random is worse than believing that something to do with the road is the problem.

I have so many driving phobias that I'm annoyed. I wont drive at night or in bad conditions or anyone else's car. And now I don't want to drive along certain roads- not even as a passenger. *sigh*

The surgery is booked for November

Well, on November 16 I am back off to hospital again for the shoulder surgery. I like the doctor and I think surgery will ultimately mean I can go to gym, ride a bike and kayak once more. At the same time I am fighting a kind of phobia about surgery.

I think hospitals really smell. The stink is of antiseptic on the top, but under that is the smell of blood. I hate it. Chris went into hospital for minor surgery recently and I couldn't leave the hospital because I don't trust any of the personnel. I went there for 3 days and was constantly fighting my fear and nausea. I feel that hospital is the last place you would leave someone alone. Patients are totally at the mercy of tired, overworked people, who don't see you as a person but do see you as a source of income. Actually, I think the way I feel isn't really fair to various personnel at hospitals. But feeling aren't about being fair.

I am also going to rehab now. I go to speech therapy twice a week and see the neuropsychologist weekly. I need to sort out what is happening with my regular shrink because, apparently, if I don't see him for a few weeks, the TAC think I don't need him any more and I have to make a whole new case for the visits. Sigh...

On the up side, rehab is providing me with access to heaps of strategies for my thesis. I am frightened of public speaking now (the whole speech/memory thing) and so I will do some mini-talks there. We will start with easy, small ones. The therapist will comment on my presentation and we will develop strategies to support me in the future. I need the help, because speaking is tiring, as is thinking on my feet. I can't speak, process and respond to issues like I used to.

Its all a pain, but I realised last night that only 1 more roll of the car would have completely broken the nerves going up the spine (as well as the bone) and so I would have died. Sandy would have died too, because 1 more roll and the damage to his brain and neck would have been too acute. We would have died instantly, but poor Nina would have been left all alone with dead parents, both at the accident and thereafter. Life after the accident is a pain, but I guess the alternative is worse.

A yucky operation

Well, what I suspected has been confirmed. I need an operation on my right shoulder.

The shoulder bone will be sawed off a little to make room for scar tissue inside my shoulder joint, the tear in the rotator cuff will be repaired, some tendons (?) will be re-attached to my shoulder and the little bits of bone that were ripped off my shoulder in the car accident will be removed from my arm. It's all going to happen next month.

Apparently, recovery will be a little painful. I'll need a sling 24/7 (except for showers) for about 6 weeks. After about 3 months, I can drive again if I feel up to it. In 6 months I might be able to start to use the shoulder like other people. It will take about 12 months or so for my shoulder to unfreeze. I'll need help to wash, dress, brush my hair etc. I can't hang out clothes, do the washing or carry anything. Once its done, I'll take a pic and publish it here. Hopefully I won't need the sling that has a cushion attached to keep your shoulder in place.

At least I like this surgeon and it isn't the first time he has done this on someone as young as me.

I'll have scar. I feel so vain to be upset about that, but I have always liked my shoulders, neck and jaw. Well maybe it will be an enjoyable scar. Sometimes, mileage can be gained from the reaction of others.

There is so much to do. I am madly training voice recognition software now. I will recuperate at Mum and Dad's. Then there is my immediate family. I have submitted the paperwork to the TAC. I need to take 3 months leave from study. I also have to arrange transport to and from the herd of doctors I see.

Ah well, that's life I guess *shrug*

Another orthopedic surgeon

Well tomorrow morning I am off to see another orthopedic surgeon. This time I am 95% certain I will have a little operation. I am hoping to wait until late November for it because then I will study part time and won't feel under pressure to work regardless of how I feel. The difference will be the scholarships. Once they have finished I wont feel under any obligation to work through illness, headaches or stress.

Now I am seeing the Neuro and the Speech Therapist and doing homework. I have no time for the Shrink. But I get so much from the Shrink that I'll have to find a way to fit him into my life. Then there is Gym and the Physio. I just don't have enough time for everything, but I need to find away to manage things. I'm leaning on my family a little more for some things, but I need to find a core of strength in myself.

The there is all the guilt, stress and other yucky bits and pieces.

On a good note, Sandy has finally settled with the TAC. Because the car accident happened in SA, he wasn't covered by my insurance. He has been paid out for future illness. I have to see a money manager to put the cash away because I don't think he really grasps that its for his future. The TAC gets the $ from SA authorities. Now its time to do Nina's stuff.

One day, this will seem like a bad dream and as I say to myself, it could have been worse. I need to remember how lucky I am, I breathe in and out and can take myself to the toilet. Nina is a fairly normal 13 year old. Shit happens and unfortunately, it happened to us.