The promise of no further operations!

Well I saw every specialist under the sun last week and they were really surprised by the movement I have been able to get from my damaged shoulder before a physician has even looked at it. One doctor really praised my Physiotherapist and she wants to use him for other clients. She also said that there is nothing I could be doing that I'm not already doing, which was great to hear.

The Neurosurgeon has asked for another catscan to check on the progress of my neck that I must organise but haven't yet. I think I haven't done anything because I am so sick and tired of doctors- which is kind of dumb given that the only person this effects is me! If I organise the catscan then I must also phone the Neurosurgeon that's taking care of my shoulder and try to make some time to see him. At a meeting with him I am supposed to ask about treating my shoulder conservatively with the physiotherapist rather than aggressively through surgery. I'm also supposed to find out whether a lack of surgery will affect me when I age, say in 20 years or so. Apparently (which I already knew) when they operate on an arm like mine it will refreeze and may not improve a jot from surgery. That means movement-wise I'd go backwards, not forwards. I'll organise the cat scan this week I guess.

Actually I feel very tired at the moment- like I really need a holiday. I think its just part and parcel of no holiday last year and the constant struggle this year has been so far. I want to sleep for hours and hours. I bore me too, which is a pain in the neck.

The Physiotherapist hurts like anything. I had bruises on my arm, back and breast bone all week. It aches like no-ones business, mind you, they always said it hurt. The Doctors tell me to take Panadol before I go. The more pain I can bear, the better off my shoulder is because its so badly frozen on top of any damage there is. I have say though, that once he released a few muscles, I was able to move sideways in a way I haven't for ages and ages and movement didn't hurt so much. I still have to move my arm forward to raise it cos the shoulder socket won't move, but at least I can lift it up, which is more than I could do beforehand.

Anyway it doesn't matter how I feel, just put one foot in front of the other and you get there in the end... Just gotta keep on going and be positive when I can and close off feelings when I'm tired or whatever.

Swimming

Well yesterday I asked Nina if she would help me while we worked out whether I could still swim. I thought that if nothing else, I would learn more about my new body and get a bit of exercise- it was sooo cold yesterday morning.

I mucked around in the children's section for quite a while. My body knew what to do in the water and so I basically didn't listen to my head. Thought was switched off. My arms just started working. Hopefully kayaking this summer will be the same. My freestyle was fairly easy by comparison to breast stroke. It took me 3 goes in the 25 metre pool before I made it, but I did! Breast stroke is more painful than freestyle, but I can do 1 25 meter run. Also, I can tread water for about 10 minutes if I rest my arm.

I am going to have to build up my legs for swimming. I have to say though that the whole experience was really very enjoyable. I felt as pleased as anything that I could still stay afloat. I will start swimming a bit regularly with Nina as my trainer now. We thought we might go twice per week. She is a tough trainer, but she is good at it I think. I really felt my injured shoulder got a thorough work out and I did myself the favour of getting a bit of exercise on a yucky day.

I just visited to Optometrist. My eyes are pretty OK, much the same as they used to be. Actually, I am seeing a doctor every day this week except Friday, when I am interviewing one for my work. On Thursday I'll see 2 doctors. I often wonder what I want them to say. I think I like being sick for the sympathy stuff, but hate it when it gets in the way- what a contradiction eh?

If they tell me anything exciting, Ill report it here. I am seeing the shrinl, the physio, the consulting physican and the neurologist. I have already seen the optomotrist today. Phew!

More of the same

Life is pretty much more of the same.

I have to say though that when the Phsyio measured my arm movement it had increased heaps! In some cases it almost equaled my left arm. Buffaloes comments helped too.

He gave me some new exercises to do which, although I try, I simply can't do as he would like. I think we may have reached the limits of what my shoulder will do while the ligament is torn. I'll have to tell him when I see him this week.

I also wonder if I can swim any more. I should still be able to float I think, but with swimming I always relied upon my arms rather than my legs. Maybe I will need to use my legs more now. I have asked Sandy and Nina to take me to a pool so I can test myself soon.

I will also need to test my kayak. I used to be able to climb in when it was overturned in the sea. I couldn't do surf though. I think this summer will be spent with me in the bay, trying to overturn and climb into my kayak. If I try enough, I will hopefully be able to do it again one day... I love rowing. If all else fails, I need to wear a life jacket and learn to float well I guess *shrug*

I saw a guy yesterday that I haven't seen for months and he commented about the way I look like myself now. It was lovely to hear.

I think I'll have a cup of tea now, it is so cold today.

I can wear my tight black shirt!

I have been seeing the physiotherapist for a few weeks so far and I am amazed by what I can now do! Equally, he is amazed by what is left to be done. He says I am a real challenge and I feel that he likes this because it really makes him think. My exercise regime has gone through the roof.

Working with him is very painful, but we do stuff for as long as I can stand it and then I have to ask him to stop. It's funny, he can't stop quickly because that will hurt more than a slow cessation, so we take our time about it all. He is a nice guy.

He says I am at the "use it- or lose it" stage, which I kind of know. I work out every day, even last week when I was on a working holiday with Sandy and Nina. I got up every morning before data collection and did all my exercises for the day. I hurt pretty much all the time again now, even when I don't work out. I think it would be hard to care about me and watch those work outs because I hurt a lot and when you do, you always make some noise or show it on your face. Sometimes I even cry out, though I grit my teeth and try not too. Sandy watched me once and he has been really encouraging- stuff like telling me how good I am being about doing it all. But the truth is that the extra movement makes it all worthwhile. Last week, I was able to put on a tight shirt that I absolutely could not wear in January or February (I tried then just to see what I had left).

Sandy has his drivers license back and he took the wheel for our long drive to the country last weekend. I made him promise to give me the wheel after an hour and I drove for 30 minutes exactly. We know the road and its a 2 lane freeway in most places, so I felt OK about danger levels. I have to say that I hated driving with Sandy and Nina and couldn't wait to stop, but I have to push myself to get well I feel. I need to stretch my limits, physical and emotional.

The London thing confirmed the whole randomness stuff I have been feeling and working through- though my friend, Alia, and Steve, her boyfriend, were OK thank goodness- she was late to go to work that day. Last week we also had a cleaning lady who lost her husband unexpectedly a few weeks ago to cancer. Next year they were going to do the big drive around Australia. I felt very sad for her and we talked for a long time about randomness and bad things happening to people, whether they are good or bad. I still haven't worked it all out but I know where I want to be and maybe some of the shock about the accident has turned into a kind of acceptance. It happened because it did. People die or are hurt because they die or are hurt. There is no mystery about it- it's just life. I don't feel happy about it, if anything I feel tense about it, but it will happen anyway, regardless of how I feel about it. I am powerless, I can only plan the best I can and go with the flow. I hate this, but I figure that is the next step- I need to accept it even if I can't embrace it fully.