I'm doing OK

Well I am doing the self affirmation stuff- you know- "you're doing well considering everyone said take a year off" and "you're doing OK" and "you will finish stuff when its done- don't rush things, it will finish when it does."

I meet my thesis supervisors for a meeting on Monday and I decided to really go through my injuries with them- I haven't done it before. I'll tell them about things like the problems I have concentrating for a long period of time, working in constant pain between my head and my arm, my physical need for sleep and rest, the damage stress is doing, mixing in my parental responsibilities etc etc. The concentration thing will get better the more I do it they reckon. I am so slow to do stuff, it takes so long. Anyway- I haven't ever told anyone any of these things and just pretend to be normal. This just isn't working out. I'm not normal for me, but maybe I will be over time. I don't know what it will achieve but maybe my supervisors will see that I am trying really hard and we can work through this- I get mad at them and the world, but mostly I am self disliking and feel "dumbed down" for what I need to do. This feeling doesn't help- you have to think you can do things to make them come
true. Yesterday I drafted the significance section of my thesis. I took heaps of breaks and when I couldn't think any more, I didn't push through- I stopped and did data entry or went for a walk when I was really tired. Maybe that's a smart thing to do. I know last week when I stopped working in the evening and realised how much I hurt and got all 4 year old and teary about it. Then Sandy felt my hands and suggested I turn on the heater because I was so cold. I knew I was cold but thought I
shouldn't be. I'd simply put more clothes on and ignored pain. His suggestion was smart because it helped my pain and it was so full of common sense. I have lost all common sense about recovery/disability whatever it is. I have to adjust to some things not fight them all.

Then there's the enormous paperwork load the accident caused, and a coming court case where I am the "bad" guy cos an "Act of God" doesn't count, the struggle to get through every day. The daily exercises take about an hour and a half. I drive like a little old lady and I can barely garden. For heavens sake I needed my daughter to brush my dreadlocks out last week because I was too weak to do it. There is no escape from the accident. ...I'm doing OK ...I'm doing OK ...I'll get there.

I am determined to finish my PhD. I'm registered with the Disability Liaison Office and I have to remember that means something. You don't get the doctors' signatures and med certs because everything is fine. I am OK... I am doing OK... I am a good person...

Today I'm working from home. I always do on a Friday because they send a cleaner for an hour or so to do floors and stuff. I have to follow this up at soon because its been screwed up and you think, "do I really need this service?" and I think I do pain-wise, which means more phone calls about it today.. and Physios and Shrinks and GPs and Orthopedic Surgeons and Occupational Therapists, the TAC, case workers, Neuropsychologists and everything... ...I'm OK

Still hanging in

Well here I am hanging in and feeling so swamped by paperwork related to the accident and headaches and shoulder stuff. My neck muscles are seizing up too and they hurt like hell, so does my head. There is so much to do with this flaming accident I could scream.

Good thing though, I bought a mountain goats CD and there's a track, "This year", that I love. The chorus goes

"There will be feasting and dancing in jerusalem next year.

I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me. "

My right shoulder is a pig!

It's all so confusing!

I'm in a funny spot because I have a great range of movement until there is any weight behind it or it takes a backwards/forwards motion and/or a scissor like motion.

I can't wear a hand bag on my right shoulder.

I tried to do some very light gardening for about 30 minutes during a sunny day last week and my shoulder and parts of my upper arm burned for about 24 hours afterwards.

I also tried some limited vacuuming last week just to test my limits, and the same thing happened, no matter how lightly I tried to do it. I'm not game try cleaning the bath as I know I can't scrub a thing at all.

At the same time I can dust and wipe tables and things.
Nina helps me heaps around the house too(hanging out the washing and bringing it in etc.) when she can too.

The Physio says that he thinks over time he can make me a bit stronger. I have weight training to do in addition to his other exercises now. My shoulder hurts all the time now, and also, parts of my tricep.

My GP is on holiday until today, so I'll follow up on referrals and stuff today.

Essentially my doctors feel that I should be very happy about my range of movement and that I may be able to do other things in the future, but right now I need to accept that I have some physical limitations. I have sussed that dull pain is freezing and burning pain is the joint, which has helped with Physiotherapy a fair bit, though I think any freezing of the shoulder is probably right inside my shoulder joint now- its certainly not in the frozen parts of my bicep or elbow any more.

I'm also keeping a headache diary at the Physio's request.

I had a sublime moment a few days ago. I was lying on the trampoline, the sun was shining and I watched a few clouds skid across the sky. All I could see was the tree tops and the sky. It was perfect!