Another week

Well this week I see my consulting physician and I'll pick up my referral to see another Ortho from the GP's office.

I was annoyed when my Physio read me a letter sent to him from he old Ortho last week. The old Ortho said I was "almost normal"- hmf I'd like to see him put on a bra or brush the knots out of his hair or open a jar of anything. He also said that I was ready to return to gym and kayaking. I was amazed because although factually he is correct, what he wrote doesn't agree with the spirit of his advice, which was that I could return to gym and kayaking and try weight bearing activities, like using weights and rowing, but that he didn't think I could actually do it. I think he is touting a political point of view and that's really bugs me because all I have ever wanted was his clinical perspective. He did note my increased range of movement, which is true. He says that I may need surgery and that my condition will deteriorate while my GP doesn't think deteriorate is a good word. The old Ortho is a liar in terms of the spirit of what he wrote. I figure he will have done a lot of political damage to my recovery. It's a good thing I had asked to see another Ortho before his reports went anywhere. I don't know what all of this means, but I figure I'll just have to wait and see.

Actually my GP made an interesting point the other day. Doctors are human. They want to please patients. That means you have to know what you want from them before you see them as you can guide them as to what a 'good' outcome is for you. Everyone has their own level of what a good outcome is. I have to give that heaps of thought, but if I can't do stuff, including sporting things, then I think a good outcome might be the operation on my shoulder. I really have to think about this and also about the possibility of bad outcomes from surgery. Is being able to do stuff worth the risk? What do Sportspeople do (this injury is common to footballers and stuff)?

Its interesting, the wheather was better last week than it has been for ages and I thought I would do some gardening. I did about 30 minutes before stopping due to pain. The same thing happened yesterday. Hmmm I think what I thought was frozen muscles was the ligament. I don't know. I'll have to ask the new Ortho about it and the consulting physician too...I wonder if it would be useful to take my headache diary to the consulting physician too later this week...

Stuff

Well I saw my GP and will get a referral to a new Orthopedic Surgeon. The GP was surprised to see how upset I still was when I saw him a week after seeing the Surgeon. The shrink commented that perhaps I should have told the Surgeon how I was feeling rather than asking logical questions. He also pointed out that my fists were clenched when I spoke about the orthopedic guy (to my surprise they were clenched too). I feel a bit blue right now but I think maybe I need to adjust to the fact that some ugly stuff happened in December and I can't fix it, I can only adjust to the changes it brings.

The GP also told me I need to know what outcome I am looking for. It is no good going to a doctor without knowing what it is that I want from them. He says they won;t do anything unless they know I want them to and maybe my need to do sport is important enough for me to consider an operation on my shoulder. I gave that a lot of thought and I think I now know what I want. I want to try to kayak this summer and see how I go before anything more happens to my shoulder. There are some pretty rotten outcomes from shoulder surgery that are commonplace (paralysis, discolouration, frozen shoulder, infection etc etc). At the same time, premier sportspeople deal with this stuff all the time. What do surgeon's do for them? The new guy works with sportspeople, so maybe he will be good to talk to. That is of course if he will see me at all. Being a TAC patient means he may prefer that I pay for his services and then claim them back from the TAC. Some clinicians don't see TAC clients under any circumstances though.

I asked my Physio about various treatments for my shoulder yesterday like using saline to get rid of the problems with it versus using botox versus surgery. He thinks I should talk about saline and other treatments with the new orthopedic surgeon. He also read me a letter the old orthopedic surgeon sent him. It says I am almost normal- huh you can see he has never had to put on a bra, pull on boots or put on shoes, or brush his hair! He gave permission for me to return to gym or even kayaking. What a liar! I can return to these things because there is no risk of injury but I can't actually do them. At gym I can do aerobic stuff, which I loathe but did because they good for me. Its the weight stuff I love. Anyway, I'll talk about them to the new guy.

Actually, the GP asked me an interesting question last week. He wanted to know whether I'd let the old Orthopedic surgeon operate on me and when I thought about I knew that I wouldn't. As soon as I said that, he commented that I clearly needed a new surgeon then was happy to write out the referral.

On the up side, my neck movement has increased and I'm driving more. I feel much more comfy reversing out of parking spaces now. I've tested my mirrors and they cover the things that turning my head can no longer achieve. I love the independence of driving right now.

Workwise things are a bit of a mess. Is the fact that I'm a recovering trauma patient more important than my work? I don't think so. I need to find more funds because the accident has slowed my research down by about 8 months. I need to fit doctors and rehab stuff in around my work, but the shrink says the reverse is true. TAC are supposed to cover financial things, but they haven't been great so far and I don't think that will change. Also I didn't forgo income. Its just the accident has slowed me down heaps. Guess I'll just wait and see and try not to fret too much. Shrink today anyways.

Bad tempered me!

I am really upset with my Orthopedic Surgeon. I saw him Friday for my shoulder stuff.

The good news is that he's impressed by my range of movement and there's are only some areas where there's no improvement. He feels my shoulder is not frozen any more or at least its dissipated somewhat. He says I can swim and ride a bike again or go to gym, which is great. On the other hand he feels I will be left with the level of disability I have and that my condition will deteriorate. He says I am not to punch through the pain but to stop what I am doing when it hurts. He has no solution to the problem of Physio, which hurts by its nature. I guess I have to punch through the pain there, but stop if my shoulder hurts (which quite frankly is all the time). He doesn't think I will be able to use my kayak again either, though he says I can try.

I was supposed to get X-rayed the same day, but his instructions about how to get there weren't clear to me (I learn/see things in pictures), he refused to draw anything for me and his directions were confusing. I ended up lost in Heidelberg and called Sandy for help. He directed me back to the surgery where I waited to be collected and I basically told the Surgeon and his staff that I refused to have the X-ray where they wanted me to, that Heidelberg was about as familiar as the moon to me, and that they had to find me some X-ray venue closer to where I lived because I wasn't going anywhere but to Nina's parent teacher interviews that day and I can't drive. The X-ray is for when I ring the Surgeon to say the pain is too much, he can put me on the list for surgery, which is the only hope for my joint. He did not say why he is delaying it until I can't stand it any more. I am supposed to see him in 3 months for another check up.

I felt very abandoned and angry and sad. I knew I was disabled but thought I would get better-ish. I have made an appointment with my GP later this week to ask what the Surgeon meant and to probably find another orthopedic surgeon. I need to know what will damage my arm further? Will it ever be OK? When will I ever be able to apply pressure to anything or lift weights. I am so useless around the house its a joke! I love my kayak, if I cant use it because of injury, will the operation fix me up? Why be disabled more and more while I wait to be in so much pain that I need an operation, when for months I have been told as soon as my neck is healed he will fix me up? Why allow my shoulder to deteriorate?

I have been crying and crying, which I'm told is very good for me. I saw a counselor at Uni this morning and I see the Shrink this week so I'm sure I'll be OK. In fact I am way better, if resigned to stuff, right now.

Anyway, my annoyance comes through this posting, so I'm sure you know what I mean. I am holding off on the X-ray until everything is decided because there is no point in 2 X-rays, one for my current surgeon and another for whoever a future surgeon might be.

I feel sheepish about crying and about being so upset... In fact I feel quite embarrassed by everything right now... I am trying not to be disabled at all and its hard to do my exercises but I will wait till I see my GP and work things from there. Being embarrassed doesn't help matters at all, it makes my stomache hurt... Just makes me feel stupid as well as everything else.