Physio is good

Physio has been good and I can reach the top of my head now! The side movement hasn't improved much, but I think that's a tendon problem. I exercise like mad, several times a day now. I hope I improve movement before my arm surgery.

My hair is growing and unless I point stuff out, no-one notices my scar and my hair is kind of fashionable in a punk way- its various lengths and not styled.

Lots of aches and pains at the moment and some funny dreams. I am sure my head hurts where my neck was broken.

My taxis to doctors will be cancelled unless I appeal-which I will. I cant carry things so I cant use public transport. Friends work or study so they cant drive me, even if they have a car. My neck is still broken and I can't move it to look around which is why my neurosurgeon has limited it to a small radius around my home. There is no way I could park at some of the doctor's surgeries where I need to go. If they ultimately say no, I think I will need to change to local doctors, the others are just too hard to reach. Anyway, as the shrink says, I just need to remember I'm sick and let the truth speak for itself- I hope that's enough to keep taxis for some doctors.

Driving again Yaay!

Driving is so good by comparison with taxis and friends and relatives. One so appreciates the rides they family freely give, but it isn't the same as when you drive yourself. I get really tired very quickly too, although I have learned to use the strength in my left arm to compensate for the weakness in my right. I'm taking routes that are well serviced by traffic lights so I don't hurt my neck and tend to stay fairly close to home. This is OK because its enough to take Nina to school and me to work or to visit various shops and shopping centres. We had a ball with our new found independence last week end!

This was all thanks to Mum and Dad though, who lent me their car,which I know. Knowing a vehicle means a lot. You'll never believe it, but 2 days after being told I could drive short distances again, my car was rear ended. At least no one was hurt and I wasn't in it at the time. The car will take a week or two to repair because its was pretty badly damaged in the rear axle. Thank heavens its a front wheel drive so my gears and stuff should not be affected. We didn't need to deal with this issue on top of everything else, but we have. I guess the more you deal with the tougher you get. I drove Nina to school this morning taking back roads and lights. It was a fabulous feeling.

The downside of driving is the randomness of it all and the memories it brings back, not to mention the pain of other people that you see. There are crosses and flowers and other grief talismans all over the road. I find they really bring me down and take me back to our accident. Then I start thinking about the randomness of life- mine and everyone else's. I got so depressed about it all last week and have been fighting the depression for days. Randomness is liberating if you think about it. Whatever will happens does happen and one can do as one wishes. What was depressing me was the other side of it. If life is so random, then what is the use of trying to achieve anything? Why study or work towards goals? Why be a good driver, other people can hurt me every bit as easily as I hurt the ones I love. It's all so confusing. I try not to think about things when I drive, although I have Sandy and Nina's permission to stop whenever I need to. Maybe randomness can be liberating if you don't plan but still try and achieve things? I mean if you live 20 years you want some stuff so its an OK life. On the other hand, maybe its also important to take a day off when you feel like it or tell everyone you care about that you love them every day because human life is precious and also subject to randomness. Maybe when you say good bye to someone its the last time ever you will see them like that. Its kind a big life question and I think it will take me some time to work through.

On the upside, I started physiotherapy last week and already I move more. My arm is hurting lots more too but I think that's what happens when you unfreeze muscles. The physio thinks we might increase my sideways and front movement to 120 or 140 degrees before surgery which means I will get even more better after my shoulder has been operated on. I exercise 3 times a day now. The physio also thinks I may be able to return to gym for cycling and stuff, but will ask my neck doctor first.

As buffalo said, everything is getting better. I have to fight the blues and find ways to turn even yucky things around so they seem OK. It will all get better, there's just some yucky stuff to get through. And we did see a movie under our own steam this week...

The cervical bone in my neck must have been badly broken

Well I saw the specialist and the news is good and bad-ish.

I can start driving immediately (1 June) so long as I take it very slowly and wear my cervical collar for confidence.

I can start physiotherapy to build my strength but cannot do ant muscle building work or anything that involves my neck or head. No stretching to left and right, no massages. I go on the Thursday of this week. I will have letters from both specialists and probably the GP about what I can and can't do. It will be very important to use my shoulder and keep up the movement it has left.

On the other hand, there will be no surgery until my neck is completely healed. This will probably be during October. Recovery will take a year or so from then.

I spoke to my shrink about operation fears and I am so glad I did. He gave me 2 things to think about. Firstly, it took a really huge smash to break the bone in my neck in the first place, not just a drop from trolley height. Also, I never damaged the nerves around my cervical spine, just the spine itself. My spine is healing, My nerve's were never broken. Finally he has told me to see my GP. I made an appointment for later this week and I'm going to ask him heaps of questions.

Its all a bit much to take in.. More later, especially about the road stuff... Too many yucky thoughts right now...